1 00:00:01,768 --> 00:00:04,099 Sir, you need to see this. 2 00:00:08,878 --> 00:00:10,317 Mother of God. 3 00:00:10,401 --> 00:00:12,836 Double Feature. 4 00:00:12,921 --> 00:00:14,800 All new. Wednesdays at 10. 5 00:00:14,884 --> 00:00:15,885 On FX. 6 00:00:24,773 --> 00:00:26,266 Today's a very special day. 7 00:00:26,351 --> 00:00:28,683 It's my master's Accession Day. 8 00:00:30,617 --> 00:00:31,672 It's the anniversary 9 00:00:31,757 --> 00:00:33,837 of when he was crowned Supreme Viceroy 10 00:00:33,922 --> 00:00:35,351 for Al Qolnidar. 11 00:00:35,492 --> 00:00:37,179 So it's kind of a big deal. 12 00:00:37,272 --> 00:00:39,570 His favorite. Crepe-y paper. 13 00:00:39,789 --> 00:00:41,461 Every year, I try to do something special 14 00:00:41,546 --> 00:00:43,057 for the occasion. 15 00:00:43,141 --> 00:00:44,321 The whole house gets into it, 16 00:00:44,406 --> 00:00:46,016 like, really into it. 17 00:00:49,147 --> 00:00:51,630 Yes! Oh, yeah! 18 00:00:51,714 --> 00:00:54,476 Colin Robinson gets, uh, 19 00:00:54,561 --> 00:00:55,914 a little too much into it. 20 00:00:58,895 --> 00:01:00,987 Foreign language version of "You're Dead" playing... 21 00:01:34,496 --> 00:01:36,109 - Ah... - Oh, no. 22 00:01:36,194 --> 00:01:39,025 No. I-I don't think you should be wearing that turban again. 23 00:01:39,109 --> 00:01:40,984 Well, I think you need to do some research. 24 00:01:41,068 --> 00:01:42,377 'Cause not only is this turban accurate 25 00:01:42,461 --> 00:01:44,937 to the ancient civilizations of Persia, 26 00:01:45,022 --> 00:01:47,297 it also happens to be a gift from my good friend, 27 00:01:47,382 --> 00:01:49,060 the Maharaja Duleep Singh. 28 00:01:49,250 --> 00:01:51,125 So if you have anything to say, 29 00:01:51,209 --> 00:01:53,257 - to either myself or the maharaja... - I just, it's not that. 30 00:01:53,341 --> 00:01:54,650 It was kept in storage in the basement, 31 00:01:54,734 --> 00:01:56,695 and the rats were nesting in there. 32 00:01:56,779 --> 00:01:57,914 Oh, right. 33 00:01:57,998 --> 00:01:59,524 Oh. Here it is. 34 00:01:59,608 --> 00:02:00,525 Let's go. 35 00:02:00,609 --> 00:02:02,223 Off you fuck. 36 00:02:02,307 --> 00:02:03,311 Hey, Master. 37 00:02:03,395 --> 00:02:05,530 ♪ The sun has set ♪ 38 00:02:05,614 --> 00:02:08,142 ♪ The stars have all come out ♪ 39 00:02:08,226 --> 00:02:09,839 ♪ To celebrate your big night! ♪ 40 00:02:09,923 --> 00:02:11,928 Happy Accession Day, Nandor! 41 00:02:18,497 --> 00:02:19,979 It's your big Accession Day, Master. 42 00:02:20,063 --> 00:02:21,981 - Did you forget? - No. 43 00:02:22,065 --> 00:02:23,335 Okay. 44 00:02:23,420 --> 00:02:25,265 Well, it's just one of those mornings, I guess. 45 00:02:25,350 --> 00:02:27,509 But the night's just beginning. 46 00:02:27,593 --> 00:02:29,000 - I'll bet. - Yay! 47 00:02:29,086 --> 00:02:31,719 I made you a little something, and I hope you like it. 48 00:02:31,804 --> 00:02:32,919 Great. 49 00:02:33,203 --> 00:02:35,095 Well, he didn't like that. 50 00:02:35,179 --> 00:02:37,227 ♪ Happy Accession Day ♪ 51 00:02:37,311 --> 00:02:39,621 ♪ Mr. Relentle... ♪ 52 00:02:39,705 --> 00:02:41,007 What's up with him? 53 00:02:41,092 --> 00:02:42,797 Colin Robinson, you can stop belly dancing. 54 00:02:42,882 --> 00:02:44,365 - He's not even in the room. - I know. 55 00:02:44,449 --> 00:02:46,059 This is just for me. 56 00:02:47,539 --> 00:02:50,284 Another Accession Day. 57 00:02:50,859 --> 00:02:52,025 Pitiful. 58 00:02:52,109 --> 00:02:54,766 On this day hundreds of years ago, 59 00:02:54,850 --> 00:02:56,855 I rose to power in my country. 60 00:02:56,939 --> 00:02:59,684 Blah, blah, blah. Yada yada yada. 61 00:02:59,768 --> 00:03:03,819 It's just another milestone to celebrate for the rest of time. 62 00:03:03,903 --> 00:03:05,540 Believe it or don't believe it, baby, 63 00:03:05,625 --> 00:03:08,430 but vampire depression is the real fucking deal. 64 00:03:08,515 --> 00:03:09,868 The prospect of immortality 65 00:03:09,952 --> 00:03:11,827 can give some vampires the shits. 66 00:03:11,911 --> 00:03:14,938 They hate the idea of staring down life's eternal tunnel. 67 00:03:15,023 --> 00:03:16,614 What does it all mean? 68 00:03:16,698 --> 00:03:18,051 Nothing. 69 00:03:18,135 --> 00:03:20,444 When a vampire is depressed, 70 00:03:20,528 --> 00:03:22,707 - the best treatment is to avoid them at all costs. - Yeah. 71 00:03:22,791 --> 00:03:24,971 I'm 700 years old, 72 00:03:25,055 --> 00:03:26,885 and what have I got to show for it? 73 00:03:26,969 --> 00:03:30,032 I'm a fully grown vampire, and I still have roommates. 74 00:03:30,117 --> 00:03:31,797 I have no life partner. 75 00:03:31,882 --> 00:03:33,370 I have no living children. 76 00:03:33,454 --> 00:03:36,266 I have no one to share my dreams or my fears with. 77 00:03:36,351 --> 00:03:38,027 Sorry, Nandor. We were just... 78 00:03:38,111 --> 00:03:40,464 - I just have to check something, um... - Hurry. 79 00:03:40,548 --> 00:03:42,466 I mean, once you see Colin Robinson belly dancing 80 00:03:42,550 --> 00:03:43,815 a few times, 81 00:03:43,899 --> 00:03:46,253 the magic kind of wears off. 82 00:03:46,337 --> 00:03:47,471 It doesn't matter that I'm 83 00:03:47,555 --> 00:03:51,301 an infinitely powerful being. 84 00:03:51,385 --> 00:03:54,652 Doesn't mean anything when you live for eternity. 85 00:03:54,736 --> 00:03:58,352 Everything loses its meaning when you live for eternity. 86 00:03:58,436 --> 00:04:00,441 In all the years I've known Nandor, I've... 87 00:04:00,525 --> 00:04:02,051 I've never seen him like this. 88 00:04:02,135 --> 00:04:04,401 I think he might be having a midlife crisis. 89 00:04:04,485 --> 00:04:07,056 But he's immortal, so I guess... 90 00:04:07,140 --> 00:04:09,667 maybe more like a crisis-crisis. 91 00:04:09,751 --> 00:04:11,974 Nandor's in crisis. 92 00:04:12,058 --> 00:04:13,845 So, everyone, we have 93 00:04:13,929 --> 00:04:16,587 a very important Vampiric Council duty 94 00:04:16,671 --> 00:04:19,068 that I'm afraid is even too hard 95 00:04:19,152 --> 00:04:21,114 for my absolutely amazing abilities. 96 00:04:21,198 --> 00:04:22,680 Someone hasn't paid 97 00:04:22,764 --> 00:04:24,639 their Vampiric Council union fees in a while. 98 00:04:24,723 --> 00:04:26,641 Oh, no. 99 00:04:26,725 --> 00:04:29,861 Sometimes it is nice to tiptoe in and remind Nandor 100 00:04:29,945 --> 00:04:32,299 that, uh, he's very important vampire 101 00:04:32,383 --> 00:04:34,692 with very important jobs to do and... 102 00:04:34,776 --> 00:04:36,999 Also, collecting Vampire Council dues 103 00:04:37,083 --> 00:04:39,306 is basically vampire shit work. 104 00:04:39,390 --> 00:04:41,134 And I don't want to do it! 105 00:04:41,218 --> 00:04:43,223 But, you know, more the first thing, 106 00:04:43,307 --> 00:04:46,095 that I want to raise my-my friend up. 107 00:04:46,179 --> 00:04:48,054 So, who wants to tackle this one? 108 00:04:48,138 --> 00:04:49,577 Well, I don't know, milady. 109 00:04:49,662 --> 00:04:52,404 Are you sure anyone here is up for this task? 110 00:04:54,179 --> 00:04:57,008 Oh, shit. Um, yeah... Oh. No, my darling. 111 00:04:57,093 --> 00:04:58,803 I wouldn't be man enough? 112 00:04:58,887 --> 00:05:00,675 Hmm. 113 00:05:00,759 --> 00:05:02,242 O-Oh. Uh... 114 00:05:02,326 --> 00:05:04,540 I-I would love to help you out, 115 00:05:04,625 --> 00:05:09,118 but I, too, fear I'm not, uh, man eno... whatever. 116 00:05:09,202 --> 00:05:10,946 No, that's right. You are very shit-stupid man, 117 00:05:11,030 --> 00:05:12,703 so you can't do it. 118 00:05:12,795 --> 00:05:15,227 How about you, Nandor? Bill collection? 119 00:05:15,312 --> 00:05:16,539 Okay, fine. I'll do it. 120 00:05:16,624 --> 00:05:17,890 There you go. Yes! 121 00:05:18,255 --> 00:05:19,824 It's a very special job, 122 00:05:19,908 --> 00:05:22,175 - and we need the most... - I said I'll do it! 123 00:05:22,259 --> 00:05:24,186 Give me that. Fuck! 124 00:05:24,271 --> 00:05:26,056 - Do you want me to come with you? - No! 125 00:05:33,357 --> 00:05:34,361 Ah. 126 00:05:34,445 --> 00:05:35,492 Oh, great. 127 00:05:35,576 --> 00:05:37,875 They have wellness vampires now. 128 00:05:46,065 --> 00:05:47,374 Um... 129 00:05:47,458 --> 00:05:49,610 You don't happen to know where I could find 130 00:05:49,695 --> 00:05:51,334 someone called Jan, do you? 131 00:05:51,418 --> 00:05:52,727 Thanks very much. 132 00:05:54,038 --> 00:05:55,118 The fuck is that? 133 00:05:58,867 --> 00:06:00,735 Come on, then. 134 00:06:00,819 --> 00:06:03,805 Stretch those out. That's what I want to see, yes! 135 00:06:03,890 --> 00:06:07,546 Stretch those hammies, feel the burn! Yes! 136 00:06:07,631 --> 00:06:11,586 - Um... - Oh, welcome. 137 00:06:11,671 --> 00:06:14,102 Sorry, I am just here for... 138 00:06:14,187 --> 00:06:15,270 Jan? 139 00:06:15,355 --> 00:06:18,144 Please join us, bring your cameras. 140 00:06:18,228 --> 00:06:20,842 - No secrets here. - Uh, no. 141 00:06:20,926 --> 00:06:25,921 - I am just here for your debt collection. - Take a seat. 142 00:06:26,085 --> 00:06:27,055 So... 143 00:06:27,140 --> 00:06:31,875 What do we love? 144 00:06:31,960 --> 00:06:33,727 To sweat. 145 00:06:33,812 --> 00:06:38,033 And how do we sweat? 146 00:06:38,117 --> 00:06:39,687 By dancing. 147 00:06:39,771 --> 00:06:42,600 And what do we say to newcomers? 148 00:06:44,125 --> 00:06:47,912 Welcome. You must stretch before you dance. 149 00:06:48,101 --> 00:06:52,227 Uh, like I said, as I was standing over there, 150 00:06:52,312 --> 00:06:55,093 I am only here to, uh, collect a debt 151 00:06:55,177 --> 00:06:58,793 for Vampire Council dues you haven't paid in 132 years. 152 00:06:58,877 --> 00:07:01,796 Oh, you must be mistaken. 153 00:07:01,880 --> 00:07:03,798 No vampires here, pal. 154 00:07:05,318 --> 00:07:08,150 But, you are Jan, yes? 155 00:07:08,234 --> 00:07:12,934 Yes, but I am no longer a vampire. 156 00:07:14,371 --> 00:07:16,724 That's... Wow. 157 00:07:16,808 --> 00:07:20,423 Eesh. You have all pulled your own fangs out. 158 00:07:20,507 --> 00:07:23,818 Very disturbing, uh, but it does not negate the fact 159 00:07:23,902 --> 00:07:27,300 - that, uh, you owe a great sum. - No sum to be paid, friend, 160 00:07:27,384 --> 00:07:30,781 for we are no longer vampires. 161 00:07:30,865 --> 00:07:35,482 We have become humans again. 162 00:07:35,566 --> 00:07:36,874 Mm-hmm. 163 00:07:36,958 --> 00:07:39,137 How is such a thing even possible? 164 00:07:43,487 --> 00:07:47,273 Welcome. Come on in, have a seat. 165 00:07:51,712 --> 00:07:53,326 Uh, no, thank you. 166 00:07:53,410 --> 00:07:56,459 As you know, being a vampire, I cannot eat or drink. 167 00:07:56,543 --> 00:07:58,458 Poor you. 168 00:08:04,421 --> 00:08:06,208 Ah... 169 00:08:06,292 --> 00:08:09,994 How long have you been caught up in this whole vampire trip? 170 00:08:10,078 --> 00:08:12,997 I have been a vampire for over 700 years, 171 00:08:13,081 --> 00:08:16,871 - if that's what you're asking. - Yes, but... one second. 172 00:08:16,955 --> 00:08:18,786 No, no, no, no, no, you need to select 173 00:08:18,870 --> 00:08:21,354 the Epson 4750 in the print queue window. 174 00:08:21,438 --> 00:08:23,356 Not the Bonjour printing. 175 00:08:23,440 --> 00:08:26,617 I am so sorry. One second. 176 00:08:30,490 --> 00:08:32,536 Ah... Tell me. 177 00:08:33,537 --> 00:08:37,500 Are you happy being a vampire? 178 00:08:37,584 --> 00:08:40,373 - I've had better days. - What if I were to tell you 179 00:08:40,457 --> 00:08:42,070 that there's another way? 180 00:08:42,154 --> 00:08:44,855 A way that you can walk into the sun. 181 00:08:44,939 --> 00:08:49,901 A way that you can become human again. 182 00:08:50,902 --> 00:08:52,298 I'd say you were full of shit. 183 00:08:52,382 --> 00:08:56,780 Eh... Well, perhaps this path isn't for you. 184 00:08:56,864 --> 00:08:59,740 This is a difficult and treacherous path, 185 00:08:59,824 --> 00:09:02,395 but the rewards... 186 00:09:02,479 --> 00:09:07,225 the rewards are unspeakably... 187 00:09:07,309 --> 00:09:09,489 delicious. 188 00:09:22,977 --> 00:09:25,548 So, after short deliberation... 189 00:09:25,632 --> 00:09:27,115 Yes. 190 00:09:27,199 --> 00:09:29,509 I have decided to join Jan and her community: 191 00:09:29,593 --> 00:09:31,424 the Formerly Fanged. 192 00:09:31,508 --> 00:09:33,121 The brochure is very persuasive. 193 00:09:33,205 --> 00:09:37,430 I am skeptical by nature, but this Jan, 194 00:09:37,514 --> 00:09:40,520 she's really speaking to me, you know? 195 00:09:40,604 --> 00:09:43,697 She also is incredibly beautiful and has a rocking body. 196 00:09:43,781 --> 00:09:45,394 So, you're renouncing your vampirism 197 00:09:45,478 --> 00:09:47,440 to go and try living as a human? 198 00:09:47,524 --> 00:09:49,485 Yes. What part of that is not clear? 199 00:09:49,569 --> 00:09:51,182 Well, how about the whole thing? 200 00:09:51,266 --> 00:09:53,010 You can't just pretend to be a human, you knoblord. 201 00:09:53,094 --> 00:09:55,143 Pretending to be human is just the first step. 202 00:09:55,227 --> 00:09:56,492 Well, what is the second step? 203 00:09:56,576 --> 00:09:58,451 I'm not clear on all the steps yet. 204 00:09:58,535 --> 00:10:00,409 Why are you dressed like a Playmobil figurine? 205 00:10:00,493 --> 00:10:03,020 Because this is how I used to dress when I was a human. 206 00:10:03,104 --> 00:10:05,109 This is all very stupid. 207 00:10:05,193 --> 00:10:07,851 Not to mention that we are the leaders of the Vampiric Council! 208 00:10:07,935 --> 00:10:09,897 We're going to be a laughingstock when they find out 209 00:10:09,981 --> 00:10:12,682 you've gone crying off to go and play human dress-up. 210 00:10:12,766 --> 00:10:14,945 - Right? - I mean, I personally wouldn't laugh, 211 00:10:15,029 --> 00:10:16,599 but there are those who would. 212 00:10:16,683 --> 00:10:18,601 Well, you don't have to worry about that anymore, 213 00:10:18,685 --> 00:10:20,734 because you'll never see me again. 214 00:10:20,818 --> 00:10:23,214 Give me that. 215 00:10:23,298 --> 00:10:24,607 Give me that! 216 00:10:24,691 --> 00:10:27,393 Have a great, unenlightened eternity. 217 00:10:27,477 --> 00:10:28,698 Farewell! 218 00:10:28,782 --> 00:10:30,265 Auf Wiedersehen! 219 00:10:30,349 --> 00:10:32,572 Good night, Seattle, and good mental health! 220 00:10:32,656 --> 00:10:34,878 - See ya. - Master. Master? 221 00:10:34,962 --> 00:10:36,489 I get his room. 222 00:10:36,573 --> 00:10:37,968 Master, wait! 223 00:10:38,052 --> 00:10:39,448 As your official bodyguard, 224 00:10:39,532 --> 00:10:40,754 it's my duty to go with you everywhere... 225 00:10:40,838 --> 00:10:42,059 I am no longer your master! 226 00:10:42,143 --> 00:10:43,887 I hereby relieve you of your service. 227 00:10:43,971 --> 00:10:45,193 What? 228 00:10:45,277 --> 00:10:47,500 It is time for me to find happiness. 229 00:10:47,584 --> 00:10:49,327 Well, I want to find happiness, too! 230 00:10:49,411 --> 00:10:51,460 What do you think I've been doing for the last 11 years? 231 00:10:51,544 --> 00:10:53,114 Oh, boy. Here we go again with this shit. 232 00:10:53,198 --> 00:10:54,724 Why do you think I've lived with you this whole time? 233 00:10:54,808 --> 00:10:57,771 Can you please... 234 00:10:57,855 --> 00:11:00,513 please turn me into a vampire before you leave? 235 00:11:00,597 --> 00:11:02,602 So that after all these years, 236 00:11:02,686 --> 00:11:05,993 you and I both, both can be happy. 237 00:11:15,786 --> 00:11:17,573 Guillermo. 238 00:11:17,657 --> 00:11:22,273 Despite my cold dead heart and your "just okay" personality, 239 00:11:22,357 --> 00:11:26,495 I've grown to have some affection for you. 240 00:11:26,579 --> 00:11:28,628 - Just a little bit, but, you know... - And I for you, Mas... 241 00:11:28,712 --> 00:11:30,194 Well, obviously. 242 00:11:30,278 --> 00:11:32,458 But vampirism is a curse, 243 00:11:32,542 --> 00:11:34,982 and I care for you too much 244 00:11:35,066 --> 00:11:38,333 to burden you with that. 245 00:11:38,417 --> 00:11:41,159 It would weigh too heavily on my conscience. 246 00:11:42,334 --> 00:11:45,076 Boop. There's that smile. 247 00:11:46,468 --> 00:11:49,126 Once a vampire... 248 00:11:49,210 --> 00:11:51,909 tonight, I am only a man. 249 00:11:53,388 --> 00:11:54,610 Dry your face. 250 00:11:54,694 --> 00:11:56,264 You look like a pair of wet undies. 251 00:11:57,871 --> 00:11:59,354 As I can no longer fly, 252 00:11:59,438 --> 00:12:01,443 I will have a nice evening stroll to Jan's. 253 00:12:01,527 --> 00:12:04,707 - Just a human man crossing the street. - C-Careful. 254 00:12:06,184 --> 00:12:07,928 Are you shitting me?! 255 00:12:08,012 --> 00:12:10,408 You can't just walk out into the street like that. 256 00:12:10,492 --> 00:12:12,585 You have to look both ways. 257 00:12:12,669 --> 00:12:14,935 That's literally rule number one of being human. 258 00:12:15,019 --> 00:12:16,719 It's a bad start. 259 00:12:16,803 --> 00:12:18,718 What the fuck am I gonna do with this? 260 00:12:20,894 --> 00:12:23,639 It's been about a month since... What's his name? 261 00:12:23,723 --> 00:12:25,467 Nandor! Come on, Laszlo. 262 00:12:25,551 --> 00:12:27,382 Sorry. Uh, since he buggered off. 263 00:12:27,466 --> 00:12:30,211 Nothing much has changed, though, to be honest. 264 00:12:30,295 --> 00:12:32,909 One thing that has changed, which is such a relief, 265 00:12:32,993 --> 00:12:35,085 is you don't have this constant soundtrack 266 00:12:35,169 --> 00:12:36,957 of weeping in the house the whole time. 267 00:12:37,041 --> 00:12:39,133 - We don't miss that, do we? - No. 268 00:12:39,217 --> 00:12:41,918 So, I've moved into Nandor's room. 269 00:12:42,002 --> 00:12:44,355 Uh, it's taken me awhile 270 00:12:44,439 --> 00:12:47,315 to get my scent on everything. 271 00:12:47,399 --> 00:12:50,144 Regular vampires have no gastric system. 272 00:12:50,228 --> 00:12:53,626 Energy vampires do, to annoy those around them 273 00:12:53,710 --> 00:12:55,845 and mark their territory. 274 00:12:55,929 --> 00:12:57,717 It's beginning to feel like home. 275 00:12:57,801 --> 00:12:59,632 It's been kind of tough, honestly. 276 00:12:59,716 --> 00:13:02,199 You know, I've known Nandor for a long time, 277 00:13:02,283 --> 00:13:05,463 and now he's not in my life anymore. 278 00:13:05,547 --> 00:13:07,857 He didn't even leave an address or anything, 279 00:13:07,941 --> 00:13:09,555 which is hurtful. 280 00:13:09,639 --> 00:13:12,340 I mean, I guess know now how it feels. 281 00:13:12,424 --> 00:13:14,429 All the times I left or quit. 282 00:13:14,513 --> 00:13:16,649 I just never thought that... 283 00:13:16,733 --> 00:13:20,217 that he'd be the one, you know, to leave, so... 284 00:13:20,301 --> 00:13:23,351 I'm just sorry that we couldn't make him happy, 285 00:13:23,435 --> 00:13:25,483 and I hope he's happy now. 286 00:13:25,567 --> 00:13:28,791 ♪ It's been one week since you looked at me ♪ 287 00:13:28,875 --> 00:13:30,750 ♪ Cocked your head to the side and said, "I'm angry" ♪ 288 00:13:30,834 --> 00:13:33,013 ♪ Five days since you laughed at me, saying ♪ 289 00:13:33,097 --> 00:13:35,145 ♪ "Get your act together, come back and see me" ♪ 290 00:13:35,229 --> 00:13:37,191 ♪ Three days since the living room ♪ 291 00:13:37,275 --> 00:13:38,801 ♪ I realized it's all my fault but couldn't tell you ♪ 292 00:13:38,885 --> 00:13:41,412 ♪ Yesterday, you'd forgiven me ♪ 293 00:13:41,496 --> 00:13:43,676 ♪ But it'll still be two days till I say I'm sorry ♪ 294 00:13:43,760 --> 00:13:45,852 I love my life here. 295 00:13:45,936 --> 00:13:47,680 I feel invigorated. 296 00:13:47,764 --> 00:13:50,247 - More broccoli. - I forgot how exciting it was 297 00:13:50,331 --> 00:13:52,946 to live like a human. 298 00:13:53,030 --> 00:13:54,600 ♪ Hot like wasabi when I bust rhymes... ♪ 299 00:13:54,684 --> 00:13:56,602 Now, when doing your taxes, 300 00:13:56,686 --> 00:13:59,430 women, act like you don't understand. 301 00:13:59,514 --> 00:14:01,258 Yes, Nandy? 302 00:14:01,342 --> 00:14:04,827 Yes, it seems to me that this Uncle Sam 303 00:14:04,911 --> 00:14:06,524 is bleeding us dry. 304 00:14:06,608 --> 00:14:08,831 Maybe we should bleed him! 305 00:14:08,915 --> 00:14:11,573 No, no, no, no, no. We blow off steam 306 00:14:11,657 --> 00:14:15,751 with an IPA or maybe an evening bike ride. 307 00:14:15,835 --> 00:14:18,536 All right, let's move on to how to tip. 308 00:14:18,620 --> 00:14:21,235 Every moment is precious. 309 00:14:21,319 --> 00:14:22,715 Come on, Nandy! 310 00:14:22,799 --> 00:14:24,847 We rip out our fangs every night. 311 00:14:28,935 --> 00:14:30,766 They always grow back in the morning. 312 00:14:30,850 --> 00:14:33,943 But Jan says she's working on a way to make it permanent! 313 00:14:35,812 --> 00:14:39,166 Because we are forbidden to use our vampiric powers 314 00:14:39,250 --> 00:14:41,298 or strength in any way, 315 00:14:41,382 --> 00:14:44,345 life is constantly surprising me. 316 00:14:44,429 --> 00:14:48,697 I have lost 123 straight games of corn hole, 317 00:14:48,781 --> 00:14:51,004 and I have never felt more alive. 318 00:14:51,088 --> 00:14:53,093 I missed it! I missed it! 319 00:14:53,177 --> 00:14:55,486 Yes, Nandy. Very human. 320 00:14:55,570 --> 00:14:57,706 Jan has taught me so much. 321 00:14:57,790 --> 00:14:59,403 This is especially important for the women 322 00:14:59,487 --> 00:15:02,493 when you're an expert about something, 323 00:15:02,577 --> 00:15:04,365 and a man is explaining it to you. 324 00:15:04,449 --> 00:15:08,761 Strained eyes but really big smile. 325 00:15:08,845 --> 00:15:11,502 ♪ It's been one week since you looked at me ♪ 326 00:15:11,586 --> 00:15:13,983 ♪ Dropped your arms to the sides and said, "I'm sorry" ♪ 327 00:15:14,067 --> 00:15:16,812 -♪ Five days since I...♪ - Who knew that living as a human 328 00:15:16,896 --> 00:15:20,990 would reignite the zeal for life I thought to be long dormant? 329 00:15:21,074 --> 00:15:23,645 - ♪ Yesterday, you just smiled at me ♪ - Make sure that Baby learns. 330 00:15:23,729 --> 00:15:26,950 ♪ 'Cause it'll still be two days till we say we're sorry ♪ 331 00:15:27,907 --> 00:15:32,306 -♪ It'll still be two days...♪ - Jan is just so alive and electric. 332 00:15:32,390 --> 00:15:34,395 She has changed my life. 333 00:15:34,479 --> 00:15:37,703 Oh, yeah, we're fucking. 334 00:15:37,787 --> 00:15:40,575 One, two, three, four, 335 00:15:40,659 --> 00:15:43,099 five, six, seven, make it hot. 336 00:15:45,882 --> 00:15:46,842 I should probably check in on him. 337 00:15:46,926 --> 00:15:48,322 Not in a weird way. 338 00:15:48,406 --> 00:15:49,671 Like, I don't need to check in on peop... 339 00:15:49,755 --> 00:15:50,803 I just want to make sure he's okay, 340 00:15:50,887 --> 00:15:52,282 'cause if something wasn't okay 341 00:15:52,366 --> 00:15:53,588 and I didn't do anything about it, 342 00:15:53,672 --> 00:15:54,807 then I couldn't live with myself. 343 00:15:54,891 --> 00:15:56,112 So, as a good friend, 344 00:15:56,196 --> 00:15:58,332 I'm going to look into what he's doing 345 00:15:58,416 --> 00:15:59,812 without him knowing. 346 00:15:59,896 --> 00:16:01,335 I'm really worried about him. 347 00:16:01,419 --> 00:16:02,945 He's out there in the real world, 348 00:16:03,029 --> 00:16:04,686 and it could be dangerous, you know? 349 00:16:06,337 --> 00:16:08,646 Like, what if he's in real big trouble? 350 00:16:08,730 --> 00:16:10,083 Whoa. 351 00:16:10,167 --> 00:16:12,172 What are you doing in my room? 352 00:16:12,256 --> 00:16:14,043 Nandor must have left some kind of clue somewhere, 353 00:16:14,127 --> 00:16:16,089 telling us where he's at or where he's going. 354 00:16:16,173 --> 00:16:18,004 Like, maybe this pamphlet 355 00:16:18,088 --> 00:16:19,832 that's just sitting out in the open? 356 00:16:19,916 --> 00:16:22,835 "In case any of you dumb, idiot assholes care..." 357 00:16:22,919 --> 00:16:24,358 assholes with one "S," uh... 358 00:16:24,442 --> 00:16:26,273 "where I've gone, it's here." 359 00:16:26,357 --> 00:16:27,927 Give me that. 360 00:16:28,011 --> 00:16:29,450 All right, but you may want to wash your hands. 361 00:16:29,534 --> 00:16:32,061 That has a full room of butt wind on it. 362 00:16:32,145 --> 00:16:34,629 Don't want to get pink eye, or maybe you do, I don't know. 363 00:16:34,713 --> 00:16:36,239 Don't really give a shit. 364 00:16:42,242 --> 00:16:44,944 Jan says that she has never seen anyone as dedicated 365 00:16:45,028 --> 00:16:47,076 to our way of life before. 366 00:16:47,160 --> 00:16:48,338 Don't mind me. 367 00:16:48,422 --> 00:16:49,992 Yeah! 368 00:16:50,076 --> 00:16:52,560 So she has given me a promotion of sorts. 369 00:16:52,644 --> 00:16:54,692 I am now her number two. 370 00:16:54,776 --> 00:16:57,130 - How do I look? - Perfect. 371 00:16:57,214 --> 00:17:00,437 Jan says we will always be safe from outsiders, 372 00:17:00,521 --> 00:17:05,051 and, one day, we will be human enough to see the sun. 373 00:17:05,135 --> 00:17:06,966 And I get to help with that. 374 00:17:07,050 --> 00:17:08,576 In my former household, 375 00:17:08,660 --> 00:17:10,665 I would have been teased mercilessly 376 00:17:10,749 --> 00:17:13,842 for saying things like, "I am a number two." 377 00:17:13,926 --> 00:17:17,846 But here, number twos are treated with the utmost respect. 378 00:17:17,930 --> 00:17:19,410 - Hmm. - ♪ Sending out an S... ♪ 379 00:17:20,802 --> 00:17:22,459 Something's wrong with Nandor. 380 00:17:22,543 --> 00:17:24,548 I feel it, so I'm just gonna make sure that he's okay, 381 00:17:24,632 --> 00:17:27,160 'cause I'm a good friend, or we were friends. 382 00:17:27,244 --> 00:17:28,770 It's... you know. 383 00:17:28,854 --> 00:17:31,120 Just want to make sure everything is okay. 384 00:17:31,204 --> 00:17:33,906 A little check-in. How did those get in there? 385 00:17:33,990 --> 00:17:36,560 Time to get our workout on. 386 00:17:46,393 --> 00:17:47,789 Hello. 387 00:17:47,873 --> 00:17:49,443 Sorry. Sorry. 388 00:17:49,527 --> 00:17:51,227 I'm just gonna put this over here. 389 00:17:51,311 --> 00:17:53,664 Is this anyone's spot? 390 00:17:53,748 --> 00:17:57,016 Master. Master. Master. 391 00:17:57,100 --> 00:17:59,801 Guillermo, what in the hell are you doing here? 392 00:17:59,885 --> 00:18:02,369 Just taking one of my favorite classes. 393 00:18:02,453 --> 00:18:05,111 Yeah, what a coinkydink to see you here, so crazy. 394 00:18:05,195 --> 00:18:06,547 You think I was born yesterday? 395 00:18:06,631 --> 00:18:08,462 I was born a long time from yesterday. 396 00:18:08,546 --> 00:18:09,680 - You're here to spy on me, aren't you? - No, I just wanted... 397 00:18:09,764 --> 00:18:11,421 - All righty! - Shit. Fuck. 398 00:18:11,505 --> 00:18:12,901 - Let's make it hot! - Yeah! 399 00:18:12,985 --> 00:18:15,730 Yes! Who is ready to burn? 400 00:18:15,814 --> 00:18:18,211 Let's do this. 401 00:18:18,295 --> 00:18:20,169 Five, six, seven, eight. 402 00:18:20,253 --> 00:18:23,085 Up, up. Come on. Give me something. 403 00:18:23,169 --> 00:18:26,132 Ooh, Nandy, becoming a natural. 404 00:18:26,216 --> 00:18:27,698 Looking good, baby. 405 00:18:27,782 --> 00:18:29,265 Looking good, come on. 406 00:18:29,349 --> 00:18:30,963 Put some stank on it. 407 00:18:34,528 --> 00:18:36,098 Stop the music! 408 00:18:36,182 --> 00:18:37,360 Oh, shit. 409 00:18:37,444 --> 00:18:38,884 You... 410 00:18:38,968 --> 00:18:40,186 Who are you? 411 00:18:41,579 --> 00:18:43,801 Oh, I'm-I'm just Guillermo. 412 00:18:43,885 --> 00:18:46,453 What the fuck are you doing here, Guillermo? 413 00:18:48,064 --> 00:18:50,591 Um, I'm, uh, just... 414 00:18:50,675 --> 00:18:51,940 I don't know him. 415 00:18:52,024 --> 00:18:55,378 Just working on my fitness. 416 00:18:55,462 --> 00:18:56,989 - Mm-hmm. - Check his bags. 417 00:18:57,073 --> 00:18:59,034 Well, that's my bag, so you can't do that. 418 00:18:59,118 --> 00:19:01,907 - That's my property. - Oh, no. You didn't. Tell me you didn't. 419 00:19:01,991 --> 00:19:04,605 Yeah, just like towels and stuff. 420 00:19:04,689 --> 00:19:06,128 Weapons! 421 00:19:06,212 --> 00:19:08,304 - Shit. - Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay. 422 00:19:08,388 --> 00:19:09,871 That's just not what it... that's not what it looks like. 423 00:19:09,955 --> 00:19:11,742 I wasn't gonna... That was just in case something... 424 00:19:11,826 --> 00:19:13,527 Oh, no, no, no, no. Oh, no, Guillermo. 425 00:19:13,611 --> 00:19:14,832 I'm not gonna hurt anyone. 426 00:19:14,916 --> 00:19:16,225 I'm not gonna hurt anyone. 427 00:19:16,309 --> 00:19:18,097 My children! 428 00:19:18,181 --> 00:19:21,187 My fellow human children, 429 00:19:21,271 --> 00:19:23,929 we have been infiltrated. 430 00:19:24,013 --> 00:19:26,801 - No, I'm... - An interloper is here to ruin us. 431 00:19:26,885 --> 00:19:29,673 He is here to kill us and our dreams. 432 00:19:29,757 --> 00:19:31,371 He must not leave here. 433 00:19:31,455 --> 00:19:33,590 He will bring more like him. 434 00:19:33,674 --> 00:19:35,984 My children, we are under attack. 435 00:19:36,068 --> 00:19:39,640 We cannot let this Guillermo go unpunished. 436 00:19:42,988 --> 00:19:45,602 - What did you do, Guillermo? - Cover your face. 437 00:19:45,686 --> 00:19:47,604 - What? - Cover your face! 438 00:19:47,688 --> 00:19:51,217 - Ay! Aah! - - Now! 439 00:19:51,301 --> 00:19:52,609 Come on, let's go! 440 00:19:52,693 --> 00:19:54,742 You covered my friends in garlic powder! 441 00:19:54,826 --> 00:19:56,483 I'm sorry! 442 00:19:58,830 --> 00:20:00,487 - That's... - Come on! 443 00:20:00,571 --> 00:20:01,531 Sorry, Janet. 444 00:20:01,615 --> 00:20:02,837 Hey, let go. 445 00:20:04,879 --> 00:20:06,667 You have a crucifix in your pocket? 446 00:20:06,751 --> 00:20:08,756 - That's not nice. - Shut up! Let's go! 447 00:20:08,840 --> 00:20:10,192 You need to chillax! 448 00:20:10,276 --> 00:20:11,498 - My friends! - This way! 449 00:20:11,582 --> 00:20:12,934 Don't hurt my friends! 450 00:20:17,196 --> 00:20:19,201 Ow! Did you bang your head? 451 00:20:19,285 --> 00:20:21,638 I don't know what's come over him. 452 00:20:21,722 --> 00:20:24,250 Mimi! 453 00:20:24,334 --> 00:20:26,382 Mimi, I'm sorry about this! 454 00:20:26,466 --> 00:20:29,081 Ay. 455 00:20:33,169 --> 00:20:34,956 - Come on! Come on! - Let go! 456 00:20:35,040 --> 00:20:36,175 - Sorry, Mimi. - Stay with me! 457 00:20:38,130 --> 00:20:40,092 - Come on! - You just punched Jeremy. 458 00:20:40,176 --> 00:20:41,354 Fuck Jeremy! 459 00:20:41,438 --> 00:20:43,008 - Let's go. - What are you doing?! 460 00:20:43,092 --> 00:20:44,705 - I'm rescuing you, Master. - If I wasn't a human, 461 00:20:44,789 --> 00:20:47,577 I'd be crushing your dick and slamming it on the floor. 462 00:20:47,661 --> 00:20:50,537 - You're not a human. - Get off me! Ah! That tickles. 463 00:20:50,621 --> 00:20:52,887 You've been brainwashed. 464 00:20:52,971 --> 00:20:54,193 Where are you taking me? 465 00:20:54,277 --> 00:20:56,064 I'm taking you home! 466 00:20:56,148 --> 00:20:58,110 Don't want to be out here. I want to be in there with Jan! 467 00:20:58,194 --> 00:20:59,633 - You want to be home with us. - Get in the van. 468 00:20:59,717 --> 00:21:00,938 That's where you want to be, okay? 469 00:21:01,022 --> 00:21:02,636 I didn't need rescuing. 470 00:21:02,720 --> 00:21:04,246 I was having a great time back there 471 00:21:04,330 --> 00:21:05,856 till you came and kicked everyone's ass. 472 00:21:05,940 --> 00:21:07,206 They were trying to kill me! 473 00:21:07,290 --> 00:21:08,337 They pulled all their fangs out. 474 00:21:08,421 --> 00:21:10,078 No one's going to bite you. 475 00:21:10,162 --> 00:21:12,820 We're a gentle people, a gentle human people. 476 00:21:12,904 --> 00:21:14,996 You're not a human, Master! 477 00:21:15,080 --> 00:21:17,564 I'm not? Then how do you explain this? 478 00:21:17,648 --> 00:21:19,914 ♪ It's been one week since you looked at me ♪ 479 00:21:19,998 --> 00:21:21,785 ♪ Cocked your head to the side and said, "I'm angry" ♪ 480 00:21:21,869 --> 00:21:23,526 ♪ Five days since you laughed at me. ♪ 481 00:21:23,610 --> 00:21:25,354 I know the whole fucking song. 482 00:21:25,438 --> 00:21:27,878 I'd say that was pretty gosh-darn human, wouldn't you? 483 00:21:27,962 --> 00:21:28,966 You've been brainwashed. 484 00:21:29,050 --> 00:21:30,577 Brainwashed, "shmain-washed." 485 00:21:30,661 --> 00:21:32,970 You know, this is exactly what Jan warned us 486 00:21:33,054 --> 00:21:34,885 that the nonbelievers would accuse us of. 487 00:21:34,969 --> 00:21:36,365 You've been brainwashed, but it's okay, 488 00:21:36,449 --> 00:21:38,498 because we are going to deprogram you. 489 00:21:38,582 --> 00:21:40,891 Stop. Let it go. 490 00:21:40,975 --> 00:21:43,372 Did you not think for a second... Listen to me! 491 00:21:43,456 --> 00:21:45,374 Did you ever consider for one moment 492 00:21:45,458 --> 00:21:49,074 that I might be happy for the first time in decades? 493 00:21:49,158 --> 00:21:51,119 Decades! 494 00:21:51,203 --> 00:21:54,601 That I found somewhere where I feel that I belong? 495 00:21:54,685 --> 00:21:57,473 That makes me feel useful and powerful 496 00:21:57,557 --> 00:21:59,519 in ways I've never felt. 497 00:21:59,603 --> 00:22:01,129 Never! 498 00:22:01,213 --> 00:22:03,088 Not in 700 years. 499 00:22:03,172 --> 00:22:04,869 Did you ever consider that? 500 00:22:06,000 --> 00:22:08,438 - No. - No. 501 00:22:10,135 --> 00:22:11,487 So what I'm going to do now is 502 00:22:11,571 --> 00:22:13,141 I'm going to get out of this car, 503 00:22:13,225 --> 00:22:15,665 and I'm going to go and get a taxi or a bus 504 00:22:15,749 --> 00:22:17,972 or subway or Lyft or Uber, 505 00:22:18,056 --> 00:22:22,063 and I'm gonna go back to my human community. 506 00:22:22,147 --> 00:22:23,978 And that is that. 507 00:22:25,759 --> 00:22:28,243 When did you install silver rope-lined seat belts 508 00:22:28,327 --> 00:22:29,940 in this little shitbox? 509 00:22:30,024 --> 00:22:32,465 Sorry, Master. It's for your own good. 510 00:22:40,948 --> 00:22:42,692 You guys, you guys. 511 00:22:42,776 --> 00:22:44,172 Catch your breath, boy. 512 00:22:44,256 --> 00:22:45,304 I think I did something really drastic. 513 00:22:45,388 --> 00:22:46,827 Oh, you pierce your pee-pee? 514 00:22:46,911 --> 00:22:48,568 - No, but... - Tattoo your pee-pee? 515 00:22:48,652 --> 00:22:50,613 - You guys... - Tell us more about your pee-pee. 516 00:22:50,697 --> 00:22:51,919 You've never been so interesting. 517 00:22:52,003 --> 00:22:53,225 Stop talking about my pee-pee, okay? 518 00:22:53,309 --> 00:22:54,008 I didn't do anything to my pee-pee! 519 00:22:55,267 --> 00:22:56,402 Okay, just trust that what I did 520 00:22:56,486 --> 00:22:57,968 I had to do, okay? Do you trust me? 521 00:22:58,052 --> 00:22:59,572 - No. - No. - No. 522 00:23:06,539 --> 00:23:09,806 - Who the fuck is that? - Oh, my... ew! 523 00:23:09,890 --> 00:23:11,939 What the hell? 524 00:23:12,023 --> 00:23:13,810 I'd say he's been brainwashed. 525 00:23:13,894 --> 00:23:15,638 Right, okay, Colin Robinson, 526 00:23:15,722 --> 00:23:17,249 go to the council library and see if there's 527 00:23:17,333 --> 00:23:19,251 any literature on the art of deprogramming. 528 00:23:19,335 --> 00:23:20,948 No, there's no need to do that, Colin Robinson, 529 00:23:21,032 --> 00:23:22,819 because I am not brainwashed. I am perfectly sane. 530 00:23:22,903 --> 00:23:25,300 I was just having fun with my new friends. 531 00:23:25,384 --> 00:23:28,260 That's, uh, basically what Patricia Krenwinkel said. 532 00:23:28,344 --> 00:23:30,523 Open your mouth. Good Lord, he's pulled his fangs out. 533 00:23:30,607 --> 00:23:33,134 No, no. No, no, no, it's not what you think. 534 00:23:33,218 --> 00:23:35,354 - Nandor! - You stay in there, old pal, 535 00:23:35,438 --> 00:23:37,356 and I'll go and find someone 536 00:23:37,440 --> 00:23:39,358 to mend that fucked-up brain of yours. 537 00:23:39,442 --> 00:23:41,098 No, there's no need to do that. 538 00:23:41,182 --> 00:23:43,318 - Laszlo? Guillermo? Please. Come on. - I'm sorry. 539 00:23:43,402 --> 00:23:45,538 Guillermo! No! 540 00:23:45,622 --> 00:23:49,803 ♪ Lights go out all over town ♪ 541 00:23:49,887 --> 00:23:52,109 ♪ People in the city ♪ 542 00:23:52,193 --> 00:23:55,806 ♪ Could hear the siren's sound ♪ 543 00:23:57,068 --> 00:24:00,509 You said if we trusted you, you would always protect us. 544 00:24:00,593 --> 00:24:02,163 You lied to us! 545 00:24:02,247 --> 00:24:03,643 Calm down. 546 00:24:03,727 --> 00:24:05,471 Please calm down, my children. 547 00:24:05,555 --> 00:24:07,864 The time has come for the final rejection of eternal life. 548 00:24:07,948 --> 00:24:10,258 It is time! 549 00:24:10,342 --> 00:24:11,999 For the ultimate burn! 550 00:24:12,083 --> 00:24:13,827 Everyone, to the roof. Yes! 551 00:24:13,911 --> 00:24:17,091 We will all walk into the sunlight. 552 00:24:17,175 --> 00:24:19,180 Come on, baby. 553 00:24:19,264 --> 00:24:20,529 Come on. That's it. 554 00:24:20,613 --> 00:24:22,662 That's it. Oh... 555 00:24:22,746 --> 00:24:24,925 My children, my children. 556 00:24:25,009 --> 00:24:26,622 Don't worry, Marilyn. 557 00:24:26,706 --> 00:24:29,103 I'll be right out there in a minute, girl! 558 00:24:29,187 --> 00:24:31,189 I'm right behind you. 559 00:24:32,408 --> 00:24:35,457 Well, back to the drawing board. 560 00:24:38,849 --> 00:24:41,550 ♪ Run with me ♪ 561 00:24:41,634 --> 00:24:44,640 ♪ This is an emergency ♪ 562 00:24:44,724 --> 00:24:47,469 ♪ Stay with me ♪ 563 00:24:47,553 --> 00:24:50,730 ♪ Tonight ♪ 564 00:24:52,123 --> 00:24:55,431 ♪ I'm sending out an SOS ♪ 565 00:24:57,737 --> 00:25:01,219 ♪ It's the real thing, not a test ♪ 566 00:25:02,655 --> 00:25:04,356 ♪ Tonight ♪ 567 00:25:04,440 --> 00:25:06,485 ♪ There's trouble in the city. ♪ 568 00:25:54,533 --> 00:25:56,712 Hello? 569 00:25:56,796 --> 00:25:59,636 Please hold for the President of the United States. 570 00:26:01,671 --> 00:26:04,238 Hey. I've been thinking about you. 571 00:26:06,110 --> 00:26:07,111 Hi, handsome. 572 00:26:18,122 --> 00:26:19,692 My name's Archer. 573 00:26:19,776 --> 00:26:21,302 Uh, I'm an egomaniac who endangers every mission. 574 00:26:21,386 --> 00:26:24,827 Also, I'm inebriated almost 24 hours a day. 575 00:26:24,911 --> 00:26:27,134 Lose the almost and then take it again 576 00:26:34,094 --> 00:26:35,708 My name is B. J. Novak. I wanna tell you about this show I made. 577 00:26:35,792 --> 00:26:38,145 It's a completely different episode every time. 578 00:26:38,229 --> 00:26:39,276 - Pop culture. - Sex. 579 00:26:39,360 --> 00:26:40,365 Revenge. 580 00:26:40,449 --> 00:26:41,450 Here it is. Is that it? 581 00:26:42,146 --> 00:26:43,147 That's it. 582 00:26:49,022 --> 00:26:51,332 Nobody can know about him. 583 00:26:51,416 --> 00:26:52,936 People are going to have to take sides.